


On the Subject of Touch

by orphan_account



Series: figuring it out [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Character Study, Established Relationship, F/M, Guilt, i'm projecting, sensory processing issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 08:15:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17863685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Caleb doesn't always know how to handle being touched, and thankfully Nott is a very patient woman.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First I project my feelings onto Nott, now I BECOME the Widogast. This is vaguely a sequel to my last work but you don't necessarily have to have read it to read this one. Just know that they're together and working out what that means.

Caleb was unused to this new type of closeness. Nott had always treated him kindly, but he didn’t know she could be so... affectionate. Once everything was out on the table it was like flipping a switch, every touch went from cautious and delicate to confident and deliberate. Nott was clearly the brave one in their new relationship. She would claim his lap like any other seat when she wanted to look at the things he was reading or find creative ways to get Caleb to lean down to steal a kiss. She even found a way to make sleeping a more affectionate activity. 

Having Nott in his bed was not an unusual occurrence. Any time they managed to have a bed for the night they would share it for a chance to sleep on something softer than the ground. When the weather was good Nott would find herself a comfortable position near the foot of the bed. When the nights were cold and the wind snuck through the walls they would often huddle together to share their warmth, always out of necessity, a very utilitarian thing. Now any night they could sleep close she would nudge him over until there was just enough room for her to lay down next to him and she would squirm around until she was satisfied with how close she could manage to burrow into Caleb. He could almost call her demanding when it came to how they slept. She would push and pull on his limbs and the bedclothes until she was thoroughly engulfed in both. Her favorite position seemed to be tucking her head right into the hollow of his chest, resting on one of his outstretched arms with the other draped over her tiny torso, effectively caging her with his body. Caleb didn’t mind of course, he was used to Nott bossing him around, but being manhandled by this tiny woman was something that needed getting used to. 

Any time Nott would touch him his heart would be hammering in his chest, his skin on fire. Calebs self imposed isolation has left him touch starved, but also entirely overwhelmed by pretty much anything more than a handshake. And Nott seems determined to work that out of him. Space between them when it’s time for bed has become unacceptable. When Caleb is feeling more receptive he allows her to press herself fully into his space where she will nuzzle at the underside of his chin and wrap her short arms as far around his torso as she can as a deep rumbling purr emanates from her. There are some nights however, when the crawling of his skin is too much to bare, where he lays flat and motionless with Nott curled next to his arm loosely holding his hand to keep him grounded, and he is grateful to have her on nights like that.

He feels thoroughly embarrassed thinking about the way that Nott touches him. She clearly has more on her mind than just holding him close, her clawed fingers trying desperately to memorize the harsh edges of his boney body through the layers of clothing he hides under. But if Nott is anything she is respectful of his boundaries. Caleb is clearly less of a fan of himself than she is and Nott is more than willing to let Caleb set the pace, even when she seems itching to continue. Her small hands seem to have found the safest routes and paths of least resistance when it comes to touching him in more romantic ways. Anything below the belt immediately was put on the back burner, Caleb even recoiled at her hands on his stomach and sides. Nott has found that generally his arms are fine, same with his chest and back, his neck was hit and miss though that was typically determined by what it was that Nott was attempting to do. 

The more that Nott lovingly lavished him with her attention the more that Caleb’s trepidations seemed to stem less from his issues with sensations and more to do with his inability to let himself have nice things. There are times when Nott and him are alone, taking time to relish in the feeling of closeness, of lips on lips and hands in hair, where Caleb feels the long dormant stir of heat boiling in his gut and the aching need to be closer still with his trembling fingers on Nott’s back. And in these happy moments instead of contentment or even excitement Caleb feels shame, disgust with himself, with his terrible gangly body, his hands which have done unforgivable things. He feels himself recoiling from Nott’s gentle hands when all he wants is to be closer. And he sees the disappointment on her face, though she hides it well and her concern for him is genuine, but he knows that she longs for more and that’s just another layer of guilt on top of the shame cake that is Caleb Widogast. 

When the heat bubbles low in his gut and his skin tingles with excitement he often wonders whether this will be the time that he finally lets go of the strangle hold he has on himself, if he can finally allow himself to touch and be touched. So far no luck, but he feels that at this rate he will have to give up the ghost or he just might explode. And in these moments when his mind is wandering, that he thinks about just handing Nott the reigns. He knows that Nott would be gentle with him, like he’s made of glass. And the idea isn’t unpleasant. 

It’s on nights like these, Nott tucked into his chest sleeping peacefully, that he thinks he could give her everything she wants and he prays that he wakes up a braver man.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nott just wants attention, ok?

Nott had always known Caleb to be strange, even among humans who were generally quite a weird lot. But this isn’t the behavior she was expecting when the two of them finally addressed the very apparent tension between them. Of course she didn’t expect Caleb to be rough with her, he wasn’t a goblin after all, but she supposed she expected… more? Something else? Maybe she had read one too many romance novels and expected Caleb to be a bit more handsy if given the chance? But Caleb was definitely not handsy. He was always very careful with where he placed his big calloused hands on her small figure, always just above the hip and never below the small of her back. Never lingering anywhere that could be considered too risqué. He didn’t even dare move towards her chest that may be small but is definitely very much there and available for touching. Nott had considered being a bit put out, thinking that maybe it was just that she was ugly, and she wouldn’t disagree with him if he thought that, but Caleb always took every opportunity to tell her how beautiful she was to him. He must have told her she looks beautiful in every color and time of day by now, so it must not be that. 

It did seem that the issue went both ways, not only did he seem to be unable to touch her but he also didn’t want to be touched in return. Holding his hand was fine, hugs didn’t seem to bother him much either, but any time her hands would wander a bit too far from the edges and creep in towards his squishy center he seemed to shrink away from her, looking so much like that small and fragile man she found in prison so long ago. 

She didn’t push him, heaven knows that would do him no good. But she watched him, how he reacted to her, to others, his environments, trying to understand what was happening inside that bright and shiny mind of his. She noted that he shrunk away from everyone else as well if they touched him for longer than a few moments, becoming visibly tense. At times if he couldn’t summon Frumpkin to pet (which he could do for several hours at time if left to his own devices) she saw his nervous habit of smoothing out his hair become more frequent, or she would see his fingers dancing quickly at his sides with no apparent rhythm or purpose. 

This must be it, he just can’t handle any touching, he just has quirks about it like she has her drink. Honestly his habits seem much more healthy than hers but no one is perfect.

One quiet night after they had retired to their room, Nott plans her next attempt at loosening Caleb’s mighty grip.

“Caleb,” Nott gently touches his boot covered leg to grab his attention. He blinks rapidly a few times, his once tight knit brows relaxing as he pulls his face out his spell book. He’s been sitting in exactly the same position for nearly an hour now, back up against the headboard of the bed with his long legs out in front of him, hooked at the ankles. 

“I’m a bit chilly, do you mind if I lay here?” She gestures loosely at his outstretched legs that look like the perfect place to be cradled. Nott is quite fond of feeling like she’s protected on all sides, not unlike how Frumpkin seems to love sitting in boxes that are far too small for him.

She can feel the whole room get warmer with how pink Caleb gets as he thinks it over. He knows what she’s doing, she’s been doing it for weeks. She’s very carefully trying to push the boundaries of how much touching Caleb will allow. She always asks first and never continues if he says no. But she’s nudging him. 

“Of course,” Caleb relents. He adjusts his position a bit but otherwise holds still, bringing his book back to his face. 

With that Nott plops her butt between Caleb’s legs and leans back to rest her head on his stomach. Almost like nesting, she wiggles and scrunches until she’s gotten herself comfortable in the small space, pushing and pulling Caleb’s skinny legs this way and that while she adjusts before grabbing a few handfuls of his pant legs to pull his legs closer together like they were before. After what feels like a rather uncomfortable pause Caleb awkwardly recrosses his feet loosely at the ankles circling Nott fully in his legs. Nott reveled in this small accomplishment, relaxing against him with her elbows hanging over the sides of his hips and folding her clawed hands together delicately over her stomach. 

Nott nearly jumps out of her skin when something warm touches the top of her head before recognizing it at the left hand of her wizard. Caleb starts gently petting her hair away from her face. She cranes her neck a bit to look up towards his face, upside down from her point of view. He looks down at her from his book seeming more relaxed than she expected him to be. Caleb very rarely initiates any kind of contact, so it is quite the treat to see him doing so with that soft look on his face.

“Is zis ok?” He asks, hand stilling for a moment. 

“It feels nice,” Nott responds quietly, not wanting to break this spell. 

Caleb gives her a small and boyish smile before returning to his reading. Nott turns her head, resting her ear against Caleb’s stomach. She can her his heart thumping quickly, but it slowing gradually as he continues to run his fingers through her hair. She feels all the tension leave her body, falling limp against him, not caring that she will have to move eventually, this is happening now and she isn’t going to move unless Caleb moves her. 

This feels like progress.


End file.
